From Fear to Freedom: How My Son Changed Everything

In 2019, I walked into my 20 week ultrasound appointment with all the joy and hope of a mama planning her dream home birth. I’d imagined the dim light, the warm water, the soft sounds — the moment my baby would be born into the safety of our home.

But in a matter of minutes, my plans shifted entirely. The sonographer’s face changed, their voice careful. "I can't see a fully formed top lip" I didn't really understand at first but soon after a consultant cam in and told us. Bilateral cleft lip. Possibly a genetic condition. Probably a very poorly baby. Our hearts were broken. My home birth plans suddenly felt insignificant, swept away by a tide of medical appointments, referrals, and uncertainty.

I held it together for the rest of the pregnancy. On the outside, I was strong. On the inside, I was terrified. But every kick, every hiccup, every moment I could see his little face on the scans reminded me: he was perfect. He was mine.

Nova was born, and he was everything. His cleft lip was just one small part of him - a mark of his story and a part I adored. Oh his little wide smile was my favourite thing in the world. I poured myself into loving him, nurturing him, and protecting him. At four months old, he went in for surgery. I braced myself for the day, telling myself I’d be okay. But I wasn’t.

When the operation was over and we came home, I fell apart. The trauma of the birth I didn’t get, the fear of losing him in surgery, the months of pressure I’d been holding inside - it all came out. I was deep in the grip of PTSD, and I felt like I didn’t even recognise myself anymore.

But here’s the thing about breaking: it makes space for rebuilding. I turned inward. I stopped asking the world to tell me what was right for my family and started learning for myself. I detoxed our lives - from the food we ate, to the products we used, to the very beliefs I held about birth and motherhood. It was messy but the focus is what helped hold me together.

That fire in my chest, the fear that had once paralysed me, became the fuel for something new. I trained to support other families through pregnancy and birth, determined to help them feel the safety and autonomy I had once lost.

And then, I stepped back into my own power. I went on to freebirth both of my daughters, surrounded by nothing but trust, instinct, and love. I’ve now supported countless families to reclaim their births - to write their own stories without fear.

Nova’s cleft lip may have changed my plans, but it also changed my life. It showed me the strength I didn’t know I had, and it set me on a path of service and healing I never could have imagined.

Fear was the spark. Love was the path. Freedom was the destination.